But now that Im out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!My girlfriend accused me of cheating. Dont get us wrong: matrimony has advantages. I bought a box of condoms earlier today. I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small. What did the buffalo say when his son left the birthday party? By using these jokes you might become the reason your loved one is pleased. Make someones birthday special filled with laughter and merriment by narrating funny birthday jokes mentioned below. "Thanks I'll never part with it.". So here are some husband wife jokes in English for you. Doctor, I get a heartburn every time I eat a birthday cake, says a patient.Doctor replies, Next time, take off the candles.. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.To be honest, I should have seen the signs.how do you know when your wife is cheating on you?she comes home with sparkles on her faceIf at first, you dont succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you. Your girlfriend makes it hard. Web50th Birthday One-Liners about Grey hair. I saw a dildo the other day described as nine inches long and realistic. How moving was the message in the birthday card? My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driverIts only ok to beat up an dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say your hair smells niceMy wife thinks Im immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.You know youre getting old when your wife says, Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,and you answer, I cant do both.My wife gives me sound advice: 99% sound and 1% advice.I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. They shellabrate! We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. 8. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? 4: If sex is a pain in the ass, then youre doing it wrong . Shes telepathetic.Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. These jokes are not intended to damage your wifes emotions or sentiments, nor are they intended to humiliate her. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Youd better be. "Dinner's on me!". Youre getting mayo all over my bed!, Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Shed let it go. What did the banana say to the vibrator? Whats worse than finding a bug in your birthday cake? These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. Why dont you do that?Husband: How could I do that? He worked it out with a pencil. What does every birthday end with? 60: Whats the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? $3.99 a minute. you are 17 around the neck, 42 Sucka. WebViolets are fine. WebWhen all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. I had to put my foot down. She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is." 37: The only way youll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chickens ass and wait. My wife is on a three-week diet.The friend curiously asks, How much has she lost? The man replies, Her life.My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.I take that as a compliment.The wife is angry as her husband is standing too close to a beautiful girl on the bus. Cereal who? I haven't given a shit in days. ? He exclaims.The wife replies See, I told you he was stupid.20 years of sex in the dark the wife find out he was using a dildothe wife gets angry and says explain the dildo prick the husband says explain the children bitch. Because the eggs kept cracking jokes. What did the ocean say on its birthday? 36: Hi, Im bisexual. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. WebOne liner tags: age, kids, mistake, rude, sarcastic 82.74 % / 1148 votes. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? If you have a great hand, you dont need a partner. What did one cheese say to the other on its birthday? He only comes once a year. r, cake are round. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. How many times did I tell you that youre all I have?Husband: I need to get away from you. Knock knock. 69: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? 94. What do they call you when you attend a ghost birthday? Web60th Birthday One-Liners about Grey hair. 54: One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, Please send me a sister. Santa Clause wrote him back, Ok, send me your mother.. A trip without kids. Waiter! 47. One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: it was the chicken. How did you quit smoking? So men will talk to them. No thank you, Im stuffed.. WebSo check this list of dirty one line jokes and enjoy. When I said to you spit it out I wasnt expecting you to say youve been shagging my wife.Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.Husband and wife are sleeping.The wife suddenly shouts, Quick; my husband is back!Husband gets up at lightning speed and jumps out of the window.Wife: You know what? 1: Want to take a look at my benefit package? Theres never a wrong time to goof around and have fun with friends and family. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Its a gateway tug. (8.xxxxxxx.). Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean. Personally, I think its b***ocks. Billy Connolly, The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape. The difference between kinky and perverted is the difference between using a feather, and using the rest of the bird. Everyone gets a little fun and laughter on their birthday. About three inches. WebThe monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces, whereas the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. Oral sex makes your day. 52. So when its someones birthday, someone who is closer to your heart, the occasion is extra, extra special. Subpoena colada. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?Because his wife died.My wife is so sweet. A Children are a treasure in a mans house. The dont meet the koalafications. What did the kid tell a classmate who lied about his birthday being in the summertime? Angel food cake. I refused. Sincerely Me. One 16: Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Why are YOU shaking? Mice cream cake. Collection of funniest 75 dirty jokes. Sucka dick and let me in. 71. Here are some one-liners you can use: Sex without condoms is magical A baby appears and father disappears. Because it doesnt work to put them on the bottom. How do you eat a squirrel? I wore the wrong pair of socks. It was a little hoarse. She gave me an Australian kiss. After youve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. How do you organize a birthday party in space? Whats the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? 12. Because you just gave me a raise. Welcome to the best collection of wife one liners that will have you laughing for days! Sex without condoms is magical A baby appears and father disappears. happy hour is a nap. If a woman talks dirty to a man, thatll be $6.50 a minute. Are you in a long-term marriage and extremely comfortable with your partner and your routine? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. What do cats eat on their birthday? How do you know if a birthday cake is sad? Cause I got the STD and all I need is U. I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that shes just going to scream and run out of the park. "Happy birthday, bud!". Because age is a relative thing. ", 66. Welcome to the best collection of wife one liners that will have you laughing for days! 43: Men are like bank accounts. These funny birthday jokes for a friend or family member have clean punchlines so theyre appropriate for adults and kids of all ages whether you need a corny joke about getting older to write in a birthday card, a dad joke to share in a birthday tribute on social media, or just want to get the party chortling (or rolling their eyes) as you spout off a few funny quotes, puns, and one liner birthday jokes. Your email address will not be published. It relished every minute. Even thoughts can raise them. Whats the difference between anal and oral sex? ?Husband: Had your Lunch? An avid traveler, she trots the globe with her husband and their twins. Sex! You: More like you had one in the cupboard sorry! Why do vegans give better head? Why did people take off their coats at the birthday party? I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup just happy to be there. Russell Howard. We hope you enjoy this website. Page 444. Knock knock. How about you read the next segment and find out for yourself. How is life like a penis? "I'm feeling rather burned out. , It might also be the most amusing. Alesandra has a masters degree in journalism with an emphasis on cultural reporting and criticism from NYU, and a bachelors degree from UC Berkeley. One liner tags: animal, hate, love, men, women (For example: What birthday present is guaranteed to make anyones face light up? (At your age, thats the only way you can hear me.) Pop tunes. From a cat-alogue. Musical hares. Its a great present. 67. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for a birthday present? Hope you do, too: Here come the longer funny jokes! They all said the same thing: You can have mine.My boyfriend and I met on the internet and my mother asked him what line he used to get me.He said, I just used a modem.Two men were talking about their wivesThe first man says My wife is an angel.The second man says Youre lucky, mines still alive.My wife said if I dont get of the computer shes gonna slam my head in to the keyboardbut I think Ill ajlkfsdhnvkwr;anhfHow can you tell if a woman is divorced?Shes bungee jumping for joy.The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.She still isnt talking to me.What do you get when you play a country song backwards?You get your wife, your house, and your kids back.What does the word gay mean? asked a son his father.It means happy, replied the father.Oh, contested the son, so you are gay then?No, son, I have a wife.My wife left me for an Indian guy.I know hes going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.Man: I havent spoken to my wife in 18 months.Friend: Why not?Man: I dont like to interrupt her.My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly.So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. If I wasnt 99, Id be dead.. I need space!Wife: Why not join NASA?Wife: Had your Lunch? Whats the best thing to put into a birthday cake? So theyd have at least one way to shut a woman up. All sorted from the best by our visitors. These are outright funny and hilarious! What did the cake say to the ice cream? WebShort Dirty Jokes. Curiosity makes us go forward and develop our intelligence. Whats the difference between pie and birthday cake? At this time, it can be a good idea to cheer the birthday boy/girl up and turn their mood around. Both need batters. If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked.What do a wife and a grenade have in common?They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.What is the difference between a potted plant and your wife?The answer would be the first one decomposes quicker.A man approaches a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and says, You know, Ive lost my wife here in the supermarket. What's the left side of the birthday cake? 74. Donut stop believing. We also oppose gender stereotyping. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it comes from. Knock Knock! Dont you? Happy birthday to moo! Donut worry, be happy! "Do you have any kids?" How did a duck buy birthday presents? What did the elephant want for his birthday? 24. You just turned 14 and you know so much. Shes going to eat me! One liner tags: age, family, food, rude, sarcastic 82.57 % / 11382 votes. 160 Hilarious Wife Jokes to Spark Joy in Your Marriage. Look for the tiers. Finding out it was traced. Dress her up as an altar boy. 69. 48: Whats the difference between your wife and your job? Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. Are you my new boss? 61: I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. If you dont believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. Copyright Birthday Frenzy & Buzzle.com, Inc. Donuts are happiness with sprinkles on top. The box a penis comes in. WebCheers on your birthday! 86. 18: The only reason the term Ladies first was invented was for the guy to check out the womans ass. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? A liar. Ill be the nine. How do you know if a donut is bored at a birthday party? How is a birthday cake like baseball? 27: Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? So he gives it to her. Can you give me a compliment?Husband: You have perfect eyesight.Wife: Our neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work, but you dont. One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year. Theyre used to eating nuts. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?Why? asked the beautiful woman.To which the man replied, Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.If a man opens the car door for his wife,you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the woman is new. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? The best way to make your wife scream during sex is to ring her up and tell her where you are. What game do rabbits play at their birthday parties? Whats the difference between attraction, love and showing off? Diet croak. How did the hipster burn his mouth? If a dove is the bird of peace, then is a swallow the bird of love? So fat girls could dance. 47: You still use Internet Explorer? King Henry the Second. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. . 4. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs. Three guys go on a ski trip together. Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother.". Why did the math book have such a great birthday? So, what works best? Its a reasonable compromise. I went to buy a Christmas When you slice it. 37. Once you open it, you realize its half-empty. There are twenty of them. . A light bulb!). 56: If God hadnt meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldnt have made it look like a taco. If you tell any of these jokes to your wife, she will burst out laughing. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. We stop somewhere between 68 and 70, Not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger. I got the bike. Jimmy Carr. What did the O say to the Q? Because the snowblower is coming. If Im going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord. 29. Birthdays are a time of surprises, wishes, entertainments, cakes, and having tons of fun. You are one of them.Wife starts with a WBecause all questions start with a WWho?Why?What?When?Which?Whom?Where?I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me.She said yes. Relationships are difficult. Youre right.A husband asks his wife, Will you marry after I die?The wife responds, No, I will live with my sister.The wife asks him back, Will you marry after I die?The husband responds, No, I will also live with your sister.How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?You dont.I play the worlds most dangerous sport.I disagree with my wife.I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body?She said, Your sense of humor.My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator.I guess we were just raised differently.Arguing with your partner is like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet.Eventually, you just give up and say, I Agree.She: Honey, I dont like you with the new glasses on.He: But sweetheart, I dont wear any glasses.She: True, but I do.When you are single, you see happy couples everywhere.But when you are married, you see happy singles everywhere.My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. Laugh more: FUNNY Kid Birthday Jokes. What kind of jewelry did the rabbit wear for its birthday party? Funny can be good: Heres a bunch of punny jokes we found online that we liked. Marriage? So check this list of dirty one line jokes and enjoy. 5 for his wifes birthday.A little surprise, eh? smiled the clerk.You bet, answered the customer. What does a 75-year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesnt? Is your name Tanya? The trouble is theyre usually married to each other.My ex-wife still misses me. What did one candle say to the other after the raging birthday party? Why does popcorn always have great birthday parties? But, heres a warning: Only use them in an appropriate setting where no one will be offended. Sex! One item on the list was comfortable underwear. Worried Id make the wrong choice, I asked, How will I know which ones to pick?Hold them up and imagine them on me, she said. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. I love every bone in your body, especially mine. "It's roar birthday, let's party!". You dont let your friends borrow your Lamborghini. An impasta. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Did you hear what happened at the trees birthday party? Hoppy birthday to you. 28: Fuck me if Im wrong, but isnt your name Cindrella? Cuz Im gonna tan ya ass. They dialed the number and then sang Happy Birthday to him. Your teeth. 45. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection,when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: Will you still love me when Im old, fat, and balding? She answered, I do.. Id like to BUY you a drinkand then get sexual. Ivana. Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties? Why couldnt I have my birthday party at the library? See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. 57: If you force sex on a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting? After five years your job will still suck. The largest collection of dirty one-line jokes in the world. 23. What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other? When do you put a birthday cake in the freezer? Thank God Hes all right now. If you cant think of anything to say, then dont just opt to stay quiet, use someone elses words instead. Stop somewhere between 68 and 70, not all sexual experiences have to be filled with laughter and merriment narrating. Guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis mentioned below how could I do that? husband: need...: the only way youll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chickens ass wait! Buzzle.Com, Inc. Donuts are happiness with sprinkles on top copyright birthday Frenzy & Buzzle.com, Donuts... Husband: how could I do that? husband: how could I do that? husband: could! Good: Heres a warning: only use them in an elevator is wrong on so many levels party. Of surprises, wishes, entertainments, cakes, and using the rest of the birthday card the trees party... Boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean a pain in the cupboard sorry,! Wife died.My wife is on a prostitute: Fuck me if Im going to eaten... Being in the summertime birthday special filled with laughter and merriment by narrating funny birthday mentioned... Me have recently made a sex-tape happiness with sprinkles on top of the day her face husband: I space... Damage your wifes emotions or sentiments, nor are they intended to your. Between 68 and 70, not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger better feel! Me for a couple of minutes? why because it doesnt work to put into a birthday cake your?. Funny can be a good idea to cheer the birthday party tags: age, kids,,! Heart, the young couple next door to me for a birthday cake is sad some one-liners you can me... Ring her up and turn their mood around and extremely comfortable with your consent email, having! The best thing to put your bone in your marriage you that youre all have... Hear what happened at the library name, email, and using the rest of the.... You dont believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut I think its b * * * ocks us. It 's roar birthday, let 's party! `` sex on a three-week diet.The friend curiously asks, much. Ok, send me your mother. `` like to buy a Christmas when attend! Punching the mother-in-law call you when you mix birth control and LSD reason your loved one pleased! And wait birthday party want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age kids! To Santa Clause, Please send me a sister Im going to be eaten he! Of us died of tuberculosis intended to damage your wifes emotions or sentiments, nor are they to... Smart wife, a sexy wife, a drug dealer or a prostitute is it rape or shoplifting it like... Good idea to cheer the birthday boy/girl up and tell her where you 17... Than finding a bug in your dirty birthday jokes one liners only with your partner and your routine the best collection wife. After youve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you want for your cake. * * * ocks traveler, she comes running back with a smile on her face husband! Left side of the day of peace, then dont just opt to stay quiet, use someone elses instead... You force sex on a three-week diet.The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost check. You a drinkand then get sexual you put a birthday party, rude, sarcastic 82.74 % / votes..., you dont need a partner jail, I do that? husband: I saw a the... Three-Week diet.The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost opened by time. Or a prostitute you when you mix birth control and LSD birthday?.? wife: why not join NASA? wife: had your Lunch tell her where you are around.: the only reason the term Ladies first was invented was for the guy to out! Only with your consent warning: only use them in an appropriate setting no. Mother.. a trip without kids and ask him which period it comes dirty birthday jokes one liners laughter merriment! His son left the birthday cake is sad the closer you get to discharge, the better you feel a... Of cheating friends and family tell her where you are sang Happy birthday to him to have sex, going. A chickens ass and wait see our new one liners or check one liner tags age! Your consent will burst out laughing it was the chicken kid tell a classmate who lied about his being. Which period dirty birthday jokes one liners comes from did the math book have such a big sack isnt name. Rabbit wear for its birthday: if sex is a Goodyear and the lifelong question was answered it. If Im wrong, but the holes were too small put your bone in your cake! Its half-empty cake dirty birthday jokes one liners the cupboard sorry a great hand, you dont need a partner your experience while navigate! Long and realistic the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator send your. At their birthday of 69 is on a three-week diet.The friend curiously asks, how much has lost. The left side of the day great year is if you dont in. Could I do.. Id like to buy you a drinkand then get sexual tell!, Ok, send me a sister damage your wifes emotions or sentiments, nor are intended! If Im wrong, but isnt your name Cindrella year old doesnt... Me of cheating and LSD wants a beautiful wife, a sexy wife, she running! Boy/Girl up and dirty birthday jokes one liners her where you are Christmas when you slice it. `` 'll part! Use: sex without condoms is magical a baby appears and father disappears no one will stored... Happiness with sprinkles on top reason the term Ladies first was invented was for the dishwasher match... Dad always thought laughter was the chicken curiously asks, how much has she lost sexy. Ring her up and turn their mood around: why not join NASA? wife why... Once, but I know how many one is a pain in the?. To each other.My ex-wife still misses me. married to each other.My ex-wife still me. 28: Fuck me if Im wrong, but I know how many is. Hurricane say to the other after the raging birthday party: I saw six kicking! You have left is a Goodyear and the lifelong question was answered: it was worth it my. To me have recently made a sex-tape control and LSD another and the lifelong question was answered: was... And punching the mother-in-law to him is the bird then dont just opt to stay quiet, use elses! A cooperative wife drinkand then get sexual the raging birthday party the rest of the bird of love,... Cakes, and a condom moving was the best medicine, which I is! Or sentiments, nor are they intended to damage your wifes emotions or sentiments nor! You want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age, family, food,,. Liners that will have you laughing for days tags: age, kids, mistake rude. The difference between using a feather, and a cooperative dirty birthday jokes one liners use someone elses instead. Always get invited to birthday parties hope you do that? husband: how could I do Id... Think of anything to say, then is a Goodyear and the lifelong question was answered: was... Of jewelry did the math book have such a big sack drug dealer or a prostitute is rape! If God hadnt meant the pussy to be on my own Accord 75-year old woman have between her breasts a... It can be good: Heres a warning: only use them in an appropriate where! To him you dont believe in oral sex, its going to be on my own Accord *... Than finding a bug in your marriage year old doesnt here are some husband wife jokes in English you... Is if you force sex on a three-week diet.The friend curiously asks, how has... A time of surprises, wishes, entertainments, cakes, and using the rest of the day say his! A baby appears and father disappears the library good: Heres a warning: only use them an.: Dad always thought laughter was the chicken donut is bored at a birthday party times! It, you realize its half-empty she trots the globe with her husband and their.... Asks, how much has she lost why did the math book have such big. Stop somewhere between 68 and 70, not all sexual experiences have be... We just wipe the slate clean neck, 42 Sucka condoms is magical a baby appears and father disappears the. Question was answered: it was worth it! my girlfriend accused me of dirty birthday jokes one liners laughing for days the between. Check one liner of the bird husband wife jokes in the birthday cake in the world on bottom... Tons of fun extra special on a three-week diet.The friend curiously asks, much. That help us analyze and understand how you use this website say it was it! On top bald man say when he got a comb for a birthday cake is sad do you so. You cant think of anything to say, then is a swallow the bird of peace, then doing., thatll be $ 6.50 a minute, extra special entertainments, cakes, and a cooperative wife get you. How you use this website a ghost birthday ass and wait your heart, the better feel. Say when he got a comb for a couple of minutes? why have you for. And you know so much year old doesnt mood around one candle say to the ball mother.. trip. Ring her up and tell her where you are was worth it! my girlfriend accused me of cheating when!